when i look at you

so my parents didnt completely flip out. theyre nto too happy, but theyre okay now. but im telling you, if its not one thing, its another.

my boyfriend got kicked out of his house. because his friends mom came over and it wasnt spotless clean. hmm, sounds like my mama. actually, i have a feeling theres a lot more to it that just that. thats just what she told him. he was living with his best friend. or supposed to be best friend. but i dont know many best friends that would date your ex that you have a kid with knowing all the crap they put you through. but anyways, yeah his best friend is dating/talking to/whatever his ex. well yesterday his friends mom asked how it mad ehim feel, and hes not one to beat around the bush or sugar coat things. he told her straight up that he felt betrayed adn all that stuff. but that he didnt really have a problem with it anymore,that his friend would figure it out. then she was like, we never had this conversation, okay? well no sooner than he gets done floating down the creek today, she comes over and tells him he has to have his stuff out by in the morning. adn then his ex calls him saying that his friend texted her and told her they couldnt talk anymore. adn blames it all on him and says he cant see his kid anymore. so now he has no where to live adn no car.

just like i said if its not one thing, its another. i would do anything for the boy, and he knows that. obviously he cant stay at my house. and no one seems to be able to give him a place to stay. im so tired of telling him things will be okay. i konw in time they will, but i wish i could do something now.



on a happier note, i got a job :) im excited. i have the ugliest uniform ever tho.

if i cant believe in love, i cant have fun, and i cant have a life, whats left?

And a lot has happened. i found a guy that makes me really happy. like happier than anyone i can think of has ever made me happy. but my mama doesnt like him. wont even give him a chance. my daddy may or may not be too fond of him, not sure. he hasnt said anything.
when we started dating, he was looking for a job, and in the process of signing up for school. adn on top of that, he has a kid. he never gets to see his little boy, so my mama assumes that he isnt a good father and what not. but he has a job now. hes all signed up for school. so WHAT THE CRAP!!!! apparently his job isnt the right kind and hes not going to school for the right thing.
he works seven days a week, pretty much all day, unless it storms. hes working for a landscaper, so you have an idea of what kind of work that is. hes going to school for automotive collision repair and something to do with audio in a car. so really, whats the big deal?
i can understand that she doesnt want me to have a kid. WE'RE NOT HAVING SEX!!!! we see each other everyday, yes. but that doesnt mean that we're having sex everyday. and hwo come she doesnt realize if and when we decide to, im smart enough to know to use a freaking condom? and i dont believe in that how "i got caught up in the moment."
she thinks he's bad? she should have met the people i was hanging out with a couple months ago. before him. hed seem like an angel.
im just really tired of it, and i dont know whats left to say that hasnt already been said. ive talked to her, hes talked to her. theres nothing left that i can think of to say that will make her understand that i need space. BIG TIME. i dont think she realizes that shes just pushing me further and further away.


but on a happier note, i got a new puppy. ill post pics soon.

Just Can't Shake That Feeling

I'm not sure what's wrong. But something's not right. My bad luck is gone, hopefully. But in the pit of my stomach, something's not right. Hasn't been. I wish I knew.
I feel like I just keep walking in a circle. Like I had what I wanted, but it wasn't what I wanted anymore so I moved on,to something else, and then I decided I didn't want that anymore either. OH MY GOODNESS!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???
that hermit idea is really sounding really good right about now.
My mama told me earlier she read those who anger you control you. sooo true. as much as i hate to admit it, its true. and it's driving me insane. I can't get rid of all the anger i feel ninety five percent of the time. between my brother's girlfriend, a girl at church, various other people, i spend more time angry than anything else. i get angry just thinking about how angry they make me. i try to move past the various things they do, but it never seems to go anywhere. as soon as i do, they go adn do something else. and these are people i can just avoid. i just wish i knew what to do!!!!!

Spontaneity :)

I read in a book we decide in the first two seconds of meeting someone, we determine whether we like them or not. and i think this is so very true. i've went back and thought about some of the people i'm friends with, and everyone of them i never had any doubt whether i'd be able to be friends witht them. the same is true for those who i'm not friends with. i could tell in those first few seconds that i didnt like them. my point with this is, if this is true, how many friends do we lose based on those assumptions? i mean you can only really justify like or dislike through experiences and communitcation with that person. so by just assuming that we dont like them, where does that get us?

I tend to like people that are generally like me, but if someone is too much like me, i usually shy away. The same goes for the oppposite, if someone is way oppposite than me, then i usually don't try to hard.
i've also noticed that i only have one girl friend. all the rest pretty much are guys. yeah, i have friends that are girls, to some degree. but the ones i'm closest to, and hang out with on a regular basis are one girl, and the rest are guys.

so yeah, this post didnt go in the direction i'd planned, but oh well. sometimes spontaneity is a good thing :)

Animal Pride

So I was watching Echo: The Queen of Elephants earlier, and that may seem very lame, but I enjoyed it. Watching Animal Planet as a while helps me relieve stress, and today I really needed some stress relief. But anyways, the elephants made me sad. The one called Echo was really old, almost sixty three years old. And the lions attacked her, and killed her. And then her group broke up and there was no one to replace her. It was very sad. It kind of reminded me of the way people are. Once one person dies, its almost like the whole family falls apart sometimes.

But I do have a very funny story today :)
My mother and I were in the store earlier today, and this guy turned around right when we were walking by, and he smiled at me. Thinking that nobody saw it but me and that he was being polite and thought i was smiling at him, since i wasl aughing at the moment, I blew it off. But apparently my mama saw it. She asked if i knew him, and i said no. a few minutes later, we walked by him again, but this time, he made it a point to turn around and stare at me. This time, my mama made it blatantly obvious that she knew he was staring. For the rest of the time we were there, she was saying, "Let me get your number." We only saw him once after that, but she kept going and going. And as awful as today has been, everytime something else went wrong, she was like "Let me go find the boy from the store. you should have talked to him...."

Goodness gracious. mothers. can't live with them, can't live without them.


Did you know that whales don't have ears? They hear through their jaws.

At A Stand Still

It's been a few weeks since I've posted, and it was by complete accident that I waited this long. I've always been someone who forgets and says I'll do it later, but this time, it was by complete accident. But while the baby is halfway asleep, and maybe finished crying, I have time. She's been crying for the past thirty minutes and finally has subsided in screaming. I swear I wish her mother would do better. She really needs to. Gonna bring that baby to me sleepy as all get out. Better than yesterday I suppose.

But to what I'd planned on talking about today. I hate being at a stnad still, not knowing what to do. I'm the type of person that has always known what I was going to do, go to college, get a job, have a family. And all of a sudden, now that I'm at the point in my life to make those final decision, I'm not sure if that's what I want. Yes, I'm in college. That's all I have right now. I'm not even sure if I want to do what I say I want to do. Yes, I still want to be a Biology major. Yes, I still want to make a difference. But what about all the lifetime dreams that I've always had. To travel, to explore the world. I've started to apply for a summer program in Panama/Costa Rica for this summer to explore my options. It's pretty much four weeks on an island researching and stuff. I want to go for Tropical Animal Behavior. I've always had a special affection for animals, adn somewhere along the way of trying to please everyone else with what I do with my life, I've lost that. Or forgotten about that. Spending the weekend swimming with manatees reminded me of that. For years, I had dreams of beign a wildlife biologist and working adn traveling the jungles and deserts just observing animals. That's the great thing about being a biology major. If I want to do that, I can. But if i try it and I don't like it, I can still do some other kind of research.

Earlier today, I ran across an ad for the Peace Corps. I've heard many stories about this and have always been interested in it. I went to the website, and I felt inspired. It's something that I might consider doing. Of course, I meet most of the requirements to be qualified, but I want to finish school first. It would make me even more qualified to do that. I've always felt like I was put on this earth to make a difference. It fits with the whole travel aspect that I want to do. The only thing is that you're put in a country where you know no one, and the only people you are around are the people in the community. It's kind of scary. But I really want to do it. Some people will think that I'm out of my mind, but that's what I want to do.

As with everything else, I am completely lost as far as guys. No, I don't mean I don't know what to do, or whatever. It's more like sometimes I think i like the IDEA of having one more than actually having one in a way. Maybe it's because I don't feel like I've met the right one yet. I'm not sure. My dad, my mom, and I had a conversation about it the other day. I guess I realized how hypocritical I've been. I complained about guys not calling and only wantign sex, but I find oen that does call and does want a real relationship, I complain too. In my mind, he calls too much, texts too much, and wants to hang out too much. I keep telling myself that it's just me. It's all in my head, that in time, I'll get used to it, and it'll be okay. But the longer it goes on, the more it starts to drive me insane. I've talked to him about it, and even said that i need some space, but it doesn't seem to be going through. I've figured maybe it's just not time for me to have a boyfriend, and I've accepted that fact. And if it's not true, then I'll find a guy that actually doesn't get on my nerves. So, good luck to me on that.

But yeah. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. I guess I'll just keep going like I have, keep praying about everything, and see where it takes me.

Manatees :)

So I am soooo excited!!! I'm not sure yet from exactly what. It's either swimming with manatees or the international peer mentor program I'm in. Or it may be the English Honor Society, Sigma Kappa Delta that I recently joined. Or maybe the Mesa Club. I don't really know, but I am absolutely filled past the top with excitement.
I have a really funny story about the peer mentor program. We found out our mentees today, and come to find out, I already knew mine! It just so happens that miserable night of bowling, I met him through my friends that I went bowling with before. It took us a little while to figure that out, but then we had stuff to talk about. And I'd mentioned at the meeting to Carie that he was going to make fun of the way I talk, just because I have a really strong Southern acccent, and sound like a little girl to some peope. Well, the point of this is to say that was one of the first things he did. After the introduction and all,before we realized we already knew each other. I told him I was used to it because everyone does.
So yeah, I'm pretty excited, if you can't tell. And I'm tired, so I think I'm going to call it a night.

The Nerve of Some People

Seeing as how I've calmed down a lot now, I think it's safe for me to spill the beans. Haha. Actually, it's just kind of aggravating. I mean I know jealousy makes you do some crazy things, but really?

Let me explain. My best friend's other best friend had never really liked me. We tolerated each other for a while, until a few weeks ago. Since then, she's told several people not to talk to me, or my best friend for that matter, but mainly me. Tonight we went bowling, and had the wonderful pleasure of bowling next to her and all the people she had with her. Over half of them she asked once they got there. Ridiculous, I know. But it gets worse. I was talkin to one of the guys, that I have talked to quite a few times, and she apparently told him not to say anything else to me and sit next to her because when I came back from bowling, he had moved next to her. Now I know that it's not all her fault, that they don't have to listen to her, but....I lay most of the blame on her. Maybe I shouldn't, but I do. What I did to her, I didn't do on purpose. It not only made her mad, but in the end, I got hurt to because of the situation, so I don't see the big deal. It's not like it's happened again. But it's whatever.

I just really don't know. I don't want to put my best friend in a place where she feels like she has to chose between the two of us or something, even though she's screwed her over too a couple times. And I don't want her going and telling the guys stuff about me that's not true. But I'm not a confrontational person. I avoid arguments and fights at all costs, but I think this might be time to draw the line. I'm tired of always being the nice girl and losing in the end. But maybe in this case, being nice is the best thing? I mean, eventually they'll realize they probably didn't get the best end of the deal.

So instead of having a great time bowling, which it started out that way when we were talking to our friends, we ended up feeling really awkward because we didn't want to be the bad people and start anything by talking to them. So then we went and got boxes of chocolates and suckers and bubbles to make ourselves feel better.

But tomorrow will be fun. As well as the rest of this weekend. And I'm super excited for manatee snorkeling later this month!!!!

Just to Make Me Smile & You Too, Of Course :)

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person.

I never think of myself as an icon. What is in other people's minds is not in my mind. I just do my thing

So today was better than yesterday. I got to play tennis with my best friend, and I didn't complete suck today. We laughed for a good twenty minutes straight, and I have a feeling that whoever walked by probably thought there was something wrong with us. But oh well, we had fun! I did find out i have a math test AND a chem 2 test next tuesday, but I'm good on that for now! And that brings me to my topic for today.My best friend has a thing about Marilyn Monroe, about the same as I have for Audrey Hepburn. So, just for the fun of it, here are a few of my favorites :)

"I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it."


People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.



"Your heart just breaks, that's all. But you can't judge, or point fingers. You just have to be lucky enough to find someone who appreciates you.”



“You can always tell what kind of a person a man really thinks you are by the earrings he gives you”

“I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone.”





“If I get married, I want to be very married.”

This one made me think of something I would do!

Good Deeds

Good deeds make me happy. Especially when i'm feeling kind of down. Today, my mom and I went and got my eighty-one year old neighbor a microwave. She has cancer in like five different places, and is going into the hospital next week to have some spots removed, so we figured if she had something to make dinner time easier, it would be a microwave. Luckily, she likes chicken pot pies, so when she gets home, we're going to take her some more of those.

Well, The Notebook is coming on tonight, so I must go prepare now! It's my favorite :)

Straight to the Point

Hey! This being my first blog, I'm not too sure what to say for now. I'll figure it out as I go along. My friend Carie has a blog, and convinced me to get one, so here I am.