At A Stand Still

It's been a few weeks since I've posted, and it was by complete accident that I waited this long. I've always been someone who forgets and says I'll do it later, but this time, it was by complete accident. But while the baby is halfway asleep, and maybe finished crying, I have time. She's been crying for the past thirty minutes and finally has subsided in screaming. I swear I wish her mother would do better. She really needs to. Gonna bring that baby to me sleepy as all get out. Better than yesterday I suppose.

But to what I'd planned on talking about today. I hate being at a stnad still, not knowing what to do. I'm the type of person that has always known what I was going to do, go to college, get a job, have a family. And all of a sudden, now that I'm at the point in my life to make those final decision, I'm not sure if that's what I want. Yes, I'm in college. That's all I have right now. I'm not even sure if I want to do what I say I want to do. Yes, I still want to be a Biology major. Yes, I still want to make a difference. But what about all the lifetime dreams that I've always had. To travel, to explore the world. I've started to apply for a summer program in Panama/Costa Rica for this summer to explore my options. It's pretty much four weeks on an island researching and stuff. I want to go for Tropical Animal Behavior. I've always had a special affection for animals, adn somewhere along the way of trying to please everyone else with what I do with my life, I've lost that. Or forgotten about that. Spending the weekend swimming with manatees reminded me of that. For years, I had dreams of beign a wildlife biologist and working adn traveling the jungles and deserts just observing animals. That's the great thing about being a biology major. If I want to do that, I can. But if i try it and I don't like it, I can still do some other kind of research.

Earlier today, I ran across an ad for the Peace Corps. I've heard many stories about this and have always been interested in it. I went to the website, and I felt inspired. It's something that I might consider doing. Of course, I meet most of the requirements to be qualified, but I want to finish school first. It would make me even more qualified to do that. I've always felt like I was put on this earth to make a difference. It fits with the whole travel aspect that I want to do. The only thing is that you're put in a country where you know no one, and the only people you are around are the people in the community. It's kind of scary. But I really want to do it. Some people will think that I'm out of my mind, but that's what I want to do.

As with everything else, I am completely lost as far as guys. No, I don't mean I don't know what to do, or whatever. It's more like sometimes I think i like the IDEA of having one more than actually having one in a way. Maybe it's because I don't feel like I've met the right one yet. I'm not sure. My dad, my mom, and I had a conversation about it the other day. I guess I realized how hypocritical I've been. I complained about guys not calling and only wantign sex, but I find oen that does call and does want a real relationship, I complain too. In my mind, he calls too much, texts too much, and wants to hang out too much. I keep telling myself that it's just me. It's all in my head, that in time, I'll get used to it, and it'll be okay. But the longer it goes on, the more it starts to drive me insane. I've talked to him about it, and even said that i need some space, but it doesn't seem to be going through. I've figured maybe it's just not time for me to have a boyfriend, and I've accepted that fact. And if it's not true, then I'll find a guy that actually doesn't get on my nerves. So, good luck to me on that.

But yeah. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. I guess I'll just keep going like I have, keep praying about everything, and see where it takes me.